Wednesday 3rd August 2022

This week, I got a small book, "A Little Book of Grieving", about the author's feelings after her father passed.

Time does heal, and memories fade.

Made me think of MUm again.

I spoke to Jools and she asked, did I miss Mum?

And the answer is a very simple "no".

What was important the day before she died, became unimportant, and melted away. All the things we could not agree about, or what I hated her for. I still resent what she did, but not as strongly.

But, more importantly, I felt release.

I had decided not to speak with her every week about a year before she died. She never said what she had done that week, and if pressed she could be relied upon to lie.

I didn't miss the guilt that when she fell or went into hospital, it would end up on her cleaner's plate to deal with. I was working away most of the time, and I could have gone, one, twice, but not every time.

The only time I said I wish she was here still, was at her wake when all her friends still alive from her old neighbourhood came from the crematorium to the Wherry Hotel for drinks and a chat.

I knew I would not see most of them again, no get news of when they pass. All were at least the same age as Mum, if not older.

Of my Grandfather I have his medals, locker plate and colourised phote framed on the wall to remind me. For Dad I the stein I bought him from Germany on what was to be his last Christmas present. From Mum there is one of the Lilliput Lane cottages, "birthday cottage", based on a building in Lowestoft to remind me, and from Nannie I have the plasma globe she bought me the year before she died. From my other Grandmother, I have nothing, just a reminder to be nice to people, like she wasn't.

Life goes on, and I have no regrets.

So it goes, so it goes.

So, onto Wednesday, and another day nearer retirement. Which is one way of looking at it.

Jools went swimming at six, and I was only just up.

Bye then.

But otside it was going to be a glorious day, it was a case of "when" I would go out for a walk, not "if".

Toast for breakfast and more coffee.

I am on top of work. I put some music on.

*does some sitting down dancing"

So, I went out for a walk.

Took my camera. Of course.

There are so many butterflies about, and I hoped that one might be a Queen.

In fact, that was the second time I went out, as before work I walked up to the post box to post some letters. Or postcards.

Not much to report, but the light was spectacular, and it was cool.

Lovely.

I walked over the field, hoping to see CLouded Yellows about. I didn't. Nor did I see anyone else about.

As I walked up the long slope to the wood at Windy Ridge, two joggers came down wearing camel backs, both looking very healthy. I was huffing and puffing, but making progress, if slow.

I stopped to sit at the bench, the wood being hot thanks to the morning sun. Again there was no breeze as that was stopped by the seat's high back, so I looked down to the glof course and Pegwell Bay beyond. Ships at anchor just visible in the haze.

Nothing new to report along Green Lane, just lots of Walls, Gatekeepers, Common Blues and a few Large Whites.

It was getting hot, so I take the lane down past the horses back to Collingwood, spotting a Hornet Robberfly waiting to abush prey on the track. I saw it land, so snap it.

I see a Small Tortoiseshell feeding, first one I have seen for a couple of months. Used to be the most numerous of our butterflies, now seems to be one of the rarest.

I get back home in time for a meeting. I am all up to date, so all is good.

I made a brew and had lunch of cheese on toast with chilli jam.

Yummy. Again.

The afternoon is spent monitoring mails and reposnding when needed, before talking to my colleague where we agree to wrap up for the day at half two.

I rake the meadow again, pick up more dried thatch, then sit on the patio with Scully and Mulder under the parasol, taking in the view. I really could do this every day.

Dinner is fritters, but we have run out of curry powder, so I make do with Morrocan Spice and add sultanas and chopped dried apricts and huny.

Yummy.

We tidy up, and I go to set up the moth trap for the evening, even through St Maggies was shrounded in thick sea fog. I'm sure we would find some moths to lure to our trap. It was a hot and muggy evening, sleep would be difficult.