3086

Cosford: A Diary.

Sunday 28/11/1999.

Had three conversations with Estelle today. First, I phoned at 11 o’clock, and I told her that I was still angry at being told last weekend that I should not go home as Caff and her were having a girls’ night in on Saturday, and that I should stay here and study, even after I said that I had no work to study. She said the same thing today; my reply was that I can only study when the instructors give me work to study. Then this weekend for her to say that it is better for me to stay here. Her standard reply is that she’s been speaking to so-and-so, and they say the first four months are hard, and then in the next breath she is moaning that she has no shopping in, and she had to go to Basset. On top of that Matthew is apparently playing up badly, and Jacky is going round tomorrow to have a talk with him. Why does Jacky have to do that? I said that is she couldn’t cope; they’ll have to move up here. She didn’t like the idea of that at all, and here reply was that it was no good for her. Also, she said that she has to go to Oxford tomorrow to go to a hospital there, something about either her Liver or kidney, and guess who is taking her, Bernard. The same person, who for some strange reason is paying for her next computer course,. We argued about the same things again, me; her diabetes, and her; my drinking and finding fault with her. The drinking, because I nearly got into a fight the other Saturday at the Mallard. We finished by neither of us wanting to say anything else. I mean my feeling is that I am just not wanted there, and it’s for her convenience that I am down here, so she can do whatever she wants to up there. For the last two nights Matthew has slept over at his new friend over the road and at Caff’s, leaving here alone in the house. Anyway, she is going to see the Padre in the afternoon, so we’ll see what becomes of that. This morning, she said something about Matthew refusing to go to school. I really think that she can’t cope with her problems and Matthew’s.

Monday 29/11/1999.

Well, she phoned up to ask why I hadn’t rung up. I explained that Mondays are bull nights, and anyway, I didn’t have any change until payday tomorrow. He said that she wouldn’t know until the 14th when she has to go back. She told me that I have to tell my Mother that we will not be able to go to Lowestoft at Christmas, as there is no one to look after the cat. I replied that she should tell her, as she is closer to my Mother. Estelle did not like that at all, and started to get angry, and of course I have lost all patience with her. She then said that everyone agreed with her about things. I asked what did she mean? We ended up arguing again. It ended up with her threatening to call my Mother to tell her what is really going on. My answer was to tell my Mother, as I have nothing to be ashamed of. She retorted that it was typical of me not to admit that I’m never wrong. I replied that I make mistakes all the time, but at this point she put the phone down, and I have turned the phone off, and to be honest, I don’t know when I’ll turn it back on again.

Friday 3/12/99

I turned on the phone today, and sure enough, she was ringing up again. After an initial few minutes of frostiness, she calmed down, but she is still as potty as ever. Apparently she phoned Jacky again to tell Matthew to behave, because he won’t listen to her. Bernard gave her £20 yesterday, and a packet of fags as she couldn’t get out, and I’m not supposed to be suspicious. She let Matthew go to youth club with Jake tonight. Time and time again she says that life is mapped out in front of her, and she has no control over it. When I say that life is for living, she will have none of it. To cap it all, she says that if or when I finish this course, she wants to stay there in Lyneham, as all the support is there. Then she said something along the lines of “ I suppose you think its like splitting up.” My reply was that there’s no point in being together if we are to spend so much time apart. Once again she made it quite clear that I should stay here until Christmas, even if I have no work to do.

Wednesday 8/12/99

She rang up again, and for a change, we did not argue. First of all, she actually asked how I was getting on here. I think it might have been a way of asking if I was going home at the weekend. I said that I will have lots of homework and revising to do, and she seemed happy with that. She said that Matthew might have to go into Hospital again, through his bowel problems. He is still hiding his dirty underpants in his bedroom, ten pairs in a week. He has to go back onto the Picolat again She had a bad day at the Psychiatrist yesterday, and had a night on the pop, as she bought seven bottles of Hooch, and drunk them all last night. Matthew spent the night at Caff’s, so who know if she had anyone round. She also said that Caff has not paid her any money, and she is friendly with Alison again. I repeated that I thought Caff would not pay the money she owes, and that is now £200! . Her thrush is bad again; I’m not surprised if her Diabetes is out of control.

Friday 10/12/99

The Police knocked at my door at about 7pm, Estelle had phoned them to get in touch with me. What happened was that she went onto the Armoury, and Ralph was not happy to see her, and in short, threw her out of the Armoury. She wanted to know if anything has been said as Craig was here last weekend. I assured her that nothing had been said. Then for a while, everything went all right

She said that Bernard went round on Tuesday as she had sounded down all day. The implications of this are that he must phone her up quite often. Would I be the only husband to find this strange? Every time she mentions his name, she over stresses that there is nothing going on between them. He is 49 years old, older than her, as if that is the only thing I need to know to lay my fears to rest.

Then it all went pear shape, we argued about the same stuff. I wanted to know if she thought we had a future, as all this crap is making me think less of this course, and time I could be concentrating on Maths, etc, I was worrying about us. She didn’t like that as I am putting blame on her again. I said that any right-minded person would feel the way I do, as his wife not wanting her husband to come home. Apparently, its just the way my mind works. I asked her, what was more important; having her friend round for a drink on Saturday night, or having her husband back for the weekend. Her answer was that under the circumstances, with what was happening in her life. So I actually clarified the situation and said, “ So having Caff round for a drink was more important than having me home?” She said, “Yes” So how’s that supposed to make me feel? I wanted to know if we had a future, as from where I am, I couldn’t see that we have. So, she said loud enough so Matthew could hear, “so, you are going to throw us out on the streets?” I replied that she has gone off the deep end again, and that that was not I wanted at all. “So,” she said, “when am I going into PSF to put in the 93 days notice?” I said that I am not going to do any thing, but I said that things can’t go on like this, and that things are going to have to change. Her reply was that I have to change, be less childlike, stop sulking and stop criticising her. Than, the phone came on to say that my phones’ battery had run out, and it switched itself off. As I can’t pick up a signal from the plug socket in my room, I put the phone on to charge.

Saturday 11/12/99

Had to go into Telford first thing today to get a new card for the phone, as it all got used up last night. As I was pulling up at the car park at Asda, she rang again. As she was on the warpath, there were 8 messages waiting for me when I switched the phone on this morning, all of which not very flattering. In fact it sounded if she had been drinking on the last few messages. Anyway, after I explained the reason for the phone being switched off last night, she calmed down. But the same problems still remain; she thinks that I am childish, sulk too much, and that I am not facing up to my responsibilities as a husband and father, same old nonsense really. She wanted to know if she had to start looking for somewhere else to live. My reply was that if she had listened to what I said last night, she would know that she did not have to. All I said was the same as last night, and repeated what was said last week. I said that life is there for living, and that it is in each of us to decide what happens to us, but as ever, she refused to take any responsibility for her life, and decisions, saying again that life is mapped out before we are born, and there is nothing anybody can do about it, and the social worker and Catherine, the CPN agree with her. As they agree about me being childish, and if I refuse to accept this, it’s just typical of my stubbornness at refusing to believe that I do anything wrong. Matthew was playing her up, as usual, doing what he wants to do; she just has no control over him at all. Some days she whinges that she can’t get him to do anything, so, when I say she can’t cope with him, and living on her own, she refutes this saying that she is.

Tuesday 14/12/1999

Another day, another shite phone call from her. She has diabetes eye syndrome or something. She has to see an eye specialist to see how bad it is. What does she expect, after so long with the diabetes uncontrolled. Its not that I don’t care, far from it, but there is only so much sympathy in any one person. She is going to call the social worker to get her to come round before Christmas, and Caff is staying the night, because she is so upset. Sorry, if it is so upsetting for her, maybe, she should have done something about it before now. She will be on about all the time from now on that she is going to be going blind. That sounds very heartless, but if over the years, she has failed to do the things she knows she should, then the inevitable will happen. One almost feels as though she is pleased this has happened, because it’s something else for people to feel sorry for her about. I told her that the FS had said that she is to contact me to organise help for her, and I then liase with them at Lyneham to do the job. Her reaction was that she does not want any help from them, and I had to explain, what was said. She was not happy about it at all. Matthew was jabbering away all the time, though in fairness, he is more concerned as to when I am going home.

Sunday 26/12/1999, Boxing Day.

I wish that I were not here writing this at three minutes past one in the morning on a wet and windy evening at Cosford. The events of today will in the end prove to be very decisive.

Lets start at the very beginning of the grant, Tuesday the 22nd of December. As I was driving back to Lyneham I received a call from her saying that she was bleeding badly from “down below”, and that an ambulance was on route. About on hour or so later, as I was nearly home, she called again to say that she was now home again as she only had a urinary infection, and that the doctor had given her some antibiotics. I was still so angry after all that had happened over the past few weeks, that I found it hard to speak to her, so she cleared off to bed with Matthew about half an hour later. One of the first things she said was that Bernard has slipped on the ice on Monday and broken his arm, hmmm….

The next morning she wanted to know what was wrong, so, I went through it all again about that first weekend, Bernard, her not being interested in how I am doing on this course. What did I mean? Well, I said, only once in the past month have you asked me how am I getting on with the course. She of course denied it, but she does not know about this diary. When I said that all she speaks of is Bernard this, and Bernard that, and about him paying for the computer course, And I said it was suspicious. Her reply was that he is 9 years older than she is, and she would only go with a younger man, and as for having him as a friend, she said that Margaret was also her friend and called, does that mean she was having a lesbian affair with her?

The other thing I have to mention is the terrible state the house was in. The kitchen first, the floor was filthy. All around where the drinks are made spilt coffee powder had made the floor brown and crunchy underfoot. There was crumbs and dried cat food all over the floor. The sink was all stained, and as usual, the dishcloth stank to high heaven. The bottle of washing-up liquid had not been used in ages, and the nozzle had congealed up, and the residue was mouldy. All down the doors of the workbench under the kettle were all streaked with coffee, as was the work-surface itself. The bathroom was amazing. The sink had not been cleaned for ages, and so it had a white residue all over, the shower attachment was attached to the taps from the last time she washed her hair, also its worth noting here that by the time I left on the 25th, she had had neither a hair wash of bath. So quite clearly, last time she only washed her hair, so when was the last time she had a bath? The bath itself was a disgrace as it also had not been cleaned in ages, and had dark tide marks all round, but was made to look worse by the fact that Matthew had not cleaned it out from his last visit, and so blobs of excrement were scattered all over the sides. Matthew had also managed to wipe shitty handprints all over the walls, and had also put some on the ceiling, as well as thrown so sort of green putty as well to leave a nice green smudge. My last visit was the toilet, which had a good accumulation of dried shit on the floor, shitty handprint and bogies on the wall, the bowl itself was a sight, as it also had not been cleaned for ages, and of course, not flushed. In the morning I was also able to see all the little balls of dried shit in the carpet of the hall, stairs and Matthew’s bedroom. So, as you can imagine, the first part of the next day was spent cleaning upstairs, so I could have a wash and be cleaner than before I started.

When I went down, had the argument, as was to become a feature of those two days, Matthew and I went out, whilst she stayed in. To be honest, the rest of the day was all right, to my recollections, anyway. Next day started with me cleaning the kitchen, so it would be safe to cook in. I then had to collect her money from the post office, so I called in the armoury as I was getting a little pissed off by this point, as she just sat watching TV and smoking all day. Even when I was sat down with the cat on my lap and she up and about, I had to make her coffee. That evening was the Armoury Christmas bash, so I went alone. Found out that Dave J has split with his wife! All in all it was a good night, I think. Christmas eve she asked Matthew and me to go out to get some more mince pies as we were running low, but now looking back with hindsight, I think it was an excuse to get us out of the house. As ASDA had run out, we went to Tesco, so we were gone a long time. By this time I had set the computer up for her, so she could use it to write letters to her friends. So from time to time she would go upstairs to type.

So that brings us to Christmas day, what went wrong? How did it start? I had a bad feeling last night whist watching Notting Hill that I could not explain. So I woke up not in the best of moods even by my standards. I watched Matthew open his presents, and then Estelle. Hearing her moan about what Caff had bought her, “ only a pair of knickers, and they wouldn’t fit me”, and Nana’s necklace “Isn’t even gold”, was sickening. I made nice remarks about the slippers she bought me, but deep joy they were too small, and opening them was accompanied with the comment, “ They’re not the ones you like, I bet you won’t wear them” to which I lied that I would.

After the present opening, I settled back to watch “James and the Giant Peach” with Matthew, but he decided to play out on his bike with Jake. So, she asked if she could have a CD on, so I reluctantly said yes. She put on the first one so loud it was hard to talk, then she went to put the David Bowie on, I said that I had a headache, and so needed a lie down. The noise coming from down below in the living room was very loud. After a while the TV was put on as loud, but by this time I was freezing, so I went down for a cup of tea. She asked why I had gone upstairs, and seemed incredulous when I said that the music was too loud. She replied by asking if I had it on that loud when I listened to music.

So we watched Top of the Pops, and then a cartoon came on. As it was by Nick Park it looked quite good. But she wanted the chicken carving before it finished, and complained that I hadn’t helped her to prepare the veg, which was a fair point. We ended up having a huge argument again, also she shouted and screamed and swore. Once again I asked her not to, I said that my parents didn’t, and I asked if hers did. She replied that hers did, and no one was going to tell her what she can and couldn’t do, after all that time with Gary. I said that I didn’t think it necessary to swear in front of Matthew. She went on about that I swear at work, and this is her workplace. She then went on that at least she didn’t sleep around like my mother, which did not have much relevance. We then went over all the old arguments, her health (a bit), how I treat Matthew etc. Calmed down for the meal, was quite pleasant. I washed up, cleaned the kitchen floor again, as she had split some gravy. By this time she was watching “Gladiators”, which I didn’t want to watch, so I went up to our bedroom to watch the end of a film. She was huffing and complaining about it. So later, I went down for a cup of tea and stayed to watch Eastenders. Whilst it was on I couldn’t help thinking that it was more upbeat than life in our house. After some compilation rubbish, David Copperfield was on, but she said to Matthew that there was nothing on, so turn it to channel 3. I got up to go upstairs to watch it without saying much, if anything, and she went through the roof.

After it finished I went down to try to smooth things out to say that she was overreacting, but another argument followed, and by this time I had had enough, and gave as good as got. In the end I said that things had gotten so bad they had to change or else. Or else what she said, or else it’s over. Then its over she exclaimed. So it was agreed to take a six-month break with each other, and asked me to explain it to Matthew, Which I did with the expected results, especially when I said that I was leaving straight away. Estelle was surprised and said it was my decision, but I said that things are so bad why stay to argue. I quickly packed my stuff and the computer. When she asked if I was taking the computer, I said that I had no choice to take it, as I had nothing else to do for recreation up here. There was a look of panic on her face, which I didn’t realise the significance of until later. So, at just after 10, I left, with a heavy heart, as Matthew was distraught. When I got here I set the computer up. After switching it on, I saw that the letters she wrote were in the wrong folder, so I went to move them. I opened them to see if they were important, if not I could erase them. One letter was to Bernard and was revealing to say the least.

Dear Bernard,

Sorry about what happened last night, but I had to try and find a way of contacting you, as you said that you was going to the doctors for your test results, and as the last time that I spoke to you was Thursday and I was quite concerned and worried about you.

1. I think that it may be better if I cancelled that course and not go on it, then you will not have to see me again, as your feelings are very strong for me and you could probably end up loosing everything, and I would not want this to happen through me.

I am not worth it and I am sorry if I caused you any trouble so far, because if I have I promise you that I did not want to.

Did your wife say anything after my phone call, if she did I am really sorry, but you must understand I was worried about you when you did not phone me up as I have already said that you had a doctors appointment.

As I have already wrote earlier on I will phone the college after Christmas and I will think of a reason to cancel my course, so that you do not have to cope with anymore of my problems.

Well as you have phoned me while I was writing this letter, I will not write anymore, but you can still read this letter anyway. That’s all for now, see you soon

LOTS OF LOVE

ESTELLE

See what I mean, I was dumbstruck. When I arrived here I was very low, but with this, all what I thought has turned out to be true

Monday 3/1/2000

Well, this is just a recap of what happened over the holiday period. Driving to Lowestoft, I was elated, as all what had passed before made sense. My anger has now cooled, and I now am thinking if there could be some other explanation of what is written in that letter to Bernard. The worst part in the letter is the line “as your feelings are very strong for me and you could probably end up losing everything”. In the 4th paragraph, she talks about a phone-call she made to his house, and apparently his wife answered. “Did your wife say anything?” she writes. Well I have burned my bridges now, the bank accounts are closed, and I will have it out with her on Friday.

I didn’t speak to her often, but she never once asked what I was doing, or how I was living here. I think that she just does not care. It’s all about her ulcer, her aches and pains, and anyone else is unimportant. She told me that Matthew was behaving himself, and keeping his room tidy, exactly the opposite what she told my Mother. On New Year’s Day, I rang up to speak to Matthew, and all I got was that Caff had made a mess on the carpets with her dirty shoes after the fireworks. I did say that I was going to go to the Shrew on the 31st, but as I said she didn’t ask. So in the end, I said that I would speak to Matthew later as he was in bed, so we finished with neither of us saying “Happy new year”, as we both know that it will be very miserable.

One thing that did occur to me whist watching “Casualty”, was that as there was a very dramatic enactment of a man going hypoglycaemic, was that they would be watching it as well, and it would do nothing to ease Matthew’s anxiety.

Tuesday 4/1 2000

Last day of the grant, and I could just not bring myself to turn on the mobile to speak to her. What is the point when all I get is my ear bent? All I would have to do is explain why the phone is not turned on, and that would lead to all what has happened again. How can it be that has taken so long for me to realise that I hate her. I hate her for her self-pity. That she has to tell everybody when something bad happens, or when she thinks something bad happens. At one time I did have sympathy for her, a great deal of sympathy, but, in the end I thought that was all she wanted, No matter what happens in her life she will be miserable. Nothing will ever make her happy, as it is how she wants to live her life, letting events wash all over her, just accepting that it was all destined to happen, so there was never anything she could ever have done to prevent it.

Well, I’m not like that. I’m in control of my life. I decide what happens. Sometimes good things happen, and sometimes bad, but that is life, and you have to learn to get on with it.

Friday 07/01/2000

Today was supposed to be the day on which I told Estelle that I knew about the letter. As it turned out, events turned out a little different. Yesterday, she received a letter from Sky to say that the direct debit had been cancelled. Well, today she phoned up our branch in Lowestoft to find out something. Only for them to tell her the account had been closed in person. Which meant that she knew I had been in Lowestoft. She then phoned the RAF Police to get a message to me to ring her ASAP. Well, the message arrived during my Maths exam, and unsettled me somewhat. So, at the end of the exam I rang her. She was in a state, wanting to know why I had done it. She must have guessed that I had found out about the letter, because as she was completely unsurprised. She was, and still is, adamant that the letter is innocent, and she said that it only goes to show that she was doing all she could to keep their relationship as friends. My answer was that when I confronted her with my suspicions before Christmas, she had strongly denied that anything was going on, and with many profanities challenged me to come up with proof. I added that the letter was proof that she had lied to me on that occasion, and so that I did not believe her now. I arranged to go down that night, and pick up some stuff, and in the end she agreed. Before I left here, I went to see FS Shackleton, and bring him up to speed as to what was happening, which I did, he wished me luck, and I was on my way.

When I arrived at the house, Caff was there, along with Harry. Estelle launched into an immediate full denial, backed by Caff, who said that she would not let Estelle do anything stupid like that. Estelle said that Bernard only came round twice, and Matthew was there all the time. I answered that by saying that Bernard could have come round during the day, and anyway, Matthew had been sleeping round friends a lot, leaving Estelle in the house alone all night. She denied that Matthew had slept round any friends at all, let alone on a school night.

I have just looked at some of the previous entries, and on the 28/11/99 she said that he had spent the two previous nights at his new friends and at Caff’s, and on 8/12/99 he also spent the night at Caff’s, so that’s her two lies found out.

It got a bit nasty, and Caff took the two boys to hers out of the way. We sort of talked whilst I was packing my CDs and the hifi. She realised that I was not going to believe her, and her tears dried up. I said that as long as things did not get nasty, I would not change my marriage category, and so she would be all right for a while. She wanted to know what was going to happen to the house in Lowestoft. I said that it would have to be sold. I got her to sign a letter authorising the rent to be paid into my new account, which she was not very happy about. I said that if she didn’t then I would have cancel all the direct debits relating to the insurance policies, as I would not have the money to pay them. In the end she did sign, but not her normal signature, just a scrawl that said her name. When I finished packing I grabbed some extra combats, threw them in a black bi bag, and left. However, one last lie was that she does not know either his phone number or his surname, two lies so blatant, or I don’t know how she had the front to tell them.

I called in at Caff’s to say goodbye to Matthew, but Jake was jumping up at us all the time, so there wasn’t much I could say. The poor kid doesn’t know what is going on, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

Monday 10/01/00

When I got in from work today there was a message from my Mother waiting, saying that Estelle had been in contact, and wanted me to contact her ASAP as there was some sort of emergency. When I phoned her sew said that the DHSS had been round to check her out as there had been an anonymous call to say that she was not as ill as she was making out. She said that it was either me or my Mother who had told them, as the report had said that she had walked around Norwich without the aid of a wheelchair. She insisted that the report was anonymous, but in the same sentence claimed the DHSS representative said that it was my Mother. So I said that she could not have it both ways, either the report was anonymous, or my Mother was named. She admitted that it was anonymous, but who else knew she had been to Norwich. I said that I would phone my Mother to ask if it was her, but in truth I already knew that she hadn’t done it, I asked her straight out, which she denied. So I told my Mother to phone Estelle to deny it. When I told Estelle that my Mother had denied all knowledge, Estelle in as many words that my Mother was a professional liar. I tried to talk her through her rationally, but there was no dissuading her from her accusations. She could not believe that anyone would want to grass her up, but I think that so many people have seen her out on the razz, that in the end she was going to upset someone. She would not let me speak to Matthew, when he asked to speak to me, and after a while the money ran out, but not before she had said that she had spoken to a solicitor today, and she was going to take me to court for a “deformation of character” lawsuit. I said that that would be good, as a judge would decide who was wrong, as I am so sure of my facts. This seemed to shock her, but before much more could be discussed, the money ran out, and the truth is that I did not want to speak to her anymore, as the strain is getting to me.

Later I spoke to my Mother again, and she denied that it was her who had done it. And as I think about it the more likely suspect is Annette in Leeds, as all her family are now estranged. Yes, I think that that is a more believable scenario.

Saturday 22/01/00

Well, how do I even begin to write about what happened tonight? I met Brian Damage in the Props Club tonight, so we had a few drinks together. When I got back to my room, there was a message under my door to ring home as soon as possible. So, after a bit of thinking, I did ring Estelle. The story that unfolded was almost unbelievable, but I have been able to piece together the following information from subsequent conversations with Estelle.

This is her version of events, as told to me by her whilst I was in the main guardroom:

This bloke, Thommo, a painter and finisher had been hassling her all week; to I suppose to go out with her. Because, last Saturday at the “ Mallard” he is supposed to have said that, and I quote, “Mark (Caff’s boyfriend) had had her, Scott, (a mutual friend, I suppose) had had her, and now it was his turn. Last night she and Caff were in the Mallard talking to another Mark, (involved in some armed robbery in the Lyneham area) about what was happening. Caff said to ring Thommo to find out what was happening. I don’t know who spoke to Thommo, but the outcome was that Mark said to Thommo that if Thommo did not leave Estelle alone, then Mark would cut Thommo’s throat. This happened at work, I suppose when they were on night shift.

Now we switch to tonight, and Caff phoned Estelle up to say that Mark had been given a 24-hour posting. And later phoned again to say to stay away from her, Karl and Mark, and also that she (Estelle) was going to be evicted next Thursday and that I knew everything that had gone on. I then ran out of money, so I called the RAF Police to voice my concerns, as the last thing she had said was that she had arranged for someone to look after Matthew, and she had all her pills together.

I told the RAF Police this, and they arranged to pick me up at the props mess. When I arrived at the main guardroom, they were on the phone to the Police at Lyneham. so I told them the address of the quarter, and they went round to see what sort of mental state she was in. They said she seemed coherent and so left the scene, but they suggested that I speak to her again to see if I could get some insight into her intensions. We went over the events of the last week, as I have written above, so at the end I tried to find out if she had taken any pills or tablets. She said that she had taken some, and rang off. We (the RAF Police and myself) contacted the duty Police at Lyneham to see if they would go round. They suggested contacting the duty medic at Lyneham, which we did. But, before they could decide what to do, they had to know what, if anything she had taken. So, I phoned Estelle again and found out that she had taken six Zopiclone and six Diazepam washed down with ”a mouthful of Bacardi Breezer” We phoned the medic at Lyneham again to tell him, and his reaction was that if she had taken that medicine, she would be unconscious by now, and that it was a cry for help. So we agreed that there was little that we could do, so I made the Police aware where my room was, and they could contact me anytime if there was any news or information.

I called Mum when I got back to my room, only to find that Estelle had phoned up earlier to see if I was there, but she confirmed that I was here, and that I was here last weekend as well.

Monday 24/01/00

I phoned Estelle up to try and find out what kind of state she was in and to see if I could make any sense over what she had said on Friday. She said first that a doctor had phoned her to see how she was coping; she knew that this was down to me. She is going to call SSAFA so they can go round. Yesterday, the RAF Police went round to take a statement, and she said that Caff had started all the trouble. Apparently the Police laughed when Estelle said that she had to be out of the house by Thursday, as that was a threat from either Caff or Mark. Mark got a 24-hour posting because he was going with Caff, and she is still married. She was the one who phoned up mark, as Estelle didn’t know their extension number. She said that the trouble started when Caff accused Matthew of swearing at her son, he is supposed to have said “shag her up the bum”, but later, Harry said he had heard it on the TV, but I’m sure that that line is not in “Austin Powers”, but, she said that the child Psychologist said is allowed to swear quietly to relive his anger.

I phoned again at 10 o’clock tonight to try and find out the truth to what has been happening. She tried to make out that she is as surprised as I am, but quite frankly, I do not believe a word of it. She said that she had spoken to Mitch tonight to report the boiler was not working, and happened to ask if she was going to be evicted on Thursday. Well, I lost it as she knows full well the rules, and she knew that she has at least 93 days. I said whom was she trying to kid, as it would not wash with me, and she became very defensive. I had started by saying that I was still trying to get my head around what had happened at the weekend, and she replied that she was as well. I said that she told me that she had arranged someone to look after Matthew, and that she all her pills together, and what did that indicate to me? She tried to ignore what I had said, but the implication was there. I said that I do not know whom to believe, and she said to phone Caff, but as I found out later, her phone will not accept incoming calls.

So, where does that leave us? What do you think? God only knows what has gone on since I left Lyneham, but there is something that smells not right. She has told lies to cover up what has happened with Bernard, and this business with Mark and Thommo, I just do not know what to think. Where does that leave us, only a fool would think that there was anything left, all the lies the deceit, and who knows what else.

Wednesday 02/02/00

Well, another interesting day at Cosford, made all the more interesting thanks to Estelle. At morning tea break, I got a message to see the Chief-Clerk. So, along I go, to be told that Estelle had said on Saturday that she had no money. I explained that she got £170 on Thursday, and each month she receives nearly £200 from Gary, so she was not destitute. I also explained about the money owed to the club book, and the letter with the threat of legal action from the debt-collectors over the money owed to the washing-machine people. I said that I would contact her tonight to find out what had happened.

So, I phoned her tonight, and once again I am at a loss as to what has happened. She said that it was not her who had phoned the chief-clerk, but must have been Dr Russell, as she was rushed to the Med-centre again. When I asked why she was out of money, she said that something had happened on Saturday that had cost her all her money. When I asked what had happened, she said that it was between her, Matthew and Maureen, and no matter how often what had gone on she would not tell me. She asked time and time again about the bank account, which has made me think that all this is a scam to get me to un-freeze the bank account.

16/02/00

I have just come off the phone to her, and today’s latest news is that;

Bernard was beaten up three days before Christmas, and she asked me if I had got my friends to do it, or if I did it. I replied that I don’t know his surname, his car registration or where he lives. I was quite upset by this time, and had raised my voice, but in the end she seemed content with that.

After repeated questioning, and her constant refusals to tell me (saying that it was none of my business), she finally told me why she ran out of money two weekends ago. She had given Matthew £23 to go to Wooten Bassett to get some shopping, and some cards for himself. In the end he went into Swindon with a friend, and only bought toilet rolls and one other thing, and spent the rest on fast-food and God knows what else. Then she said, because of that she did not have a penny to her name for the rest of the week, as she said she has to pay £70 a week for loans she has taken out for me. Which, means the loan should be for about $8000, which would be another lie.

She said that Matthew has been grounded for the last two weeks through his bedroom being untidy. He has to be in bed by 8 o’clock all this week as well. He might have to go into hospital because of his incontinence. She said that tests have shown that his bowel muscles have gone slack, and he has no control. She is trying to get some extra cash from the Social, because she is spending £15 a week on new pants, as she can’t get his old ones clean. It was during this time that she said that my re-directed mail is not being sent to here, though although she did not say it, the hint was that it is being sent to my Mum’s.

Sunday 27/02/00

I phoned up to speak to Matthew, and he seems all right, quite chirpy in fact. He said that he has been swimming with one of his friends, playing out, but that was about it. I asked if he had been to the cinema, but he said that he hadn’t. But he wants to see Pokemon in April.

I also spoke to Estelle. She said that she has many problems with Matthew, and with her. She was evasive about Matthew’s, but she hinted that it was about his messing himself. She said that she is to have home help as she is getting dizzy spells and falling over, and that she is seeing two physiatrists now. I told her what the chief clerk said to me last time I saw him about having to change my marriage cat. If there were any more problems, and she replied that she had never seen the chief clerk at all, and it must have been Dr Russell or SAAFA that had done it. She was mainly concerned with the fact that most of the Sky channels had been turned off, and that she is going to take over the contract.

Tuesday 29/02/00

I phoned her up again today, and it was the usual list of huge problems. First of all, she said that she has spoken to six or seven people about her health. She now weighs six stone ten, and she says that she can’t eat. My reply was that there is no such word as can’t, and that it all comes down to her health again. I said that if she isn’t looking after herself, then she is going to feel ill. I told her that she has to eat or have Lukozade, as to get some energy for her body. She said that all her problems are getting worse, and I answered that I was not surprised. I asked how Matthew was behaving, and she said that he is terrible. He won’t help her around the house, won’t keep his room tidy. I said that it was down to the fact that she give Matthew no boundaries, and that he needs that. I added that when I was there, he did not misbehave, or not to the extent he is now. She said I was always on his back to do this and that, and that’s the point isn’t it? She never takes him anywhere, in fact it seems she doesn’t leave the house, she rang up Iceland to have some groceries delivered tomorrow. She said that his problems are from her previous marriage, and now with what has happened. She wanted to know what was happening to us. I said that there is nothing between us, and she said that there never was, whatever that means. She wanted to know whom I had spoken to in the Armoury, as she must have seen someone to talk to. I said that I had spoken to Wynne, as I still work for the Armoury until I finish this course. She also said that Jackie wanted to tell me a few things, like how I have got it wrong about Estelle. I said that she has told Jackie one side of the story, and she hasn’t seen things from my side, but I know what has happened since November and that as I have kept this diary, I know all the things she has said and done. Speaking to my Mum, I remember that whilst in London in October, one day Matthew said to me that he had kept his pants clean all day for me. Now, to me, seems to suggest that he has some sort of control, other than he is making out.

30/04/00

Well I came to type out what happened over Easter, only to find that the file on the hard drive has gone missing, and so the last time that I saved it was as above.

As I explained to her in a phone call on 14/04/00, the chief clerk here was aware of all the facts, in that I have next to no contact with her, and I had not been to see her since January. In the first week of April she had asked if I would delay changing my marriage cat until the end of the course. I gave it some thought, and tested the water with FS Shackleton. But as I said above the chief clerk was in full knowledge of all the facts, even though Estelle had assured me that no one had been to see him there. I was given no real choice other than to change my marriage category, as under RAF law the cooling off period was only for attempts at reconciliation, and to go on further without changing it was untruthful and against the rules. What else could I say, as he knew I had been nowhere near Lyneham?

So, I changed my marriage category with the result that she has 93 days to vacate the quarter, as so do I. I had enough of arguing, and I could imagine the fuss if I had tried to explain this on the phone, so I took the cowards way out and wrote letter.

03/04/00 Estelle,

I went to see the chief clerk this morning, and imagine my surprise when he said that the chief clerk at Lyneham had been on the phone to him asking why I had not changed my marriage category yet. They were both aware that I had not been back to Lyneham at all. So confronted by this I suppose you are going to say that I have made this up, well, I have not. You said that you have not been to see the chief clerk, well, somebody has. The chief clerk here said that in these circumstances I would have to change my Marriage category. I was investigating ways to delay this, but as the chief clerks knew all the facts I have had no choice.

I don’t know what else to say, I wish that things did not have to come to this, but it seems that events have overtaken us. I was willing to delay this change, but I was told that there is no chance of reconciliation and as they know I have not been back I had no choice. As I said when I picked up my stuff that if the RAF did not know what was going on nothing had to be done, and indeed I did nothing from my end, I was happy enough to leave you there and I stay here. But once the RAF were officially involved our options were very limited.

I know you are going to blame me for having done this to spite you, but that is not the case. Why did the chief clerk have to know any of this?

Once again I am sorry for what has happened, but it was out of my hands.

Below is the reply I received dated 10 April 2000

Estelle, This is the telephone number 01249 891179 Remember.

I have had a chat to the chief clerk over here and he told me that if You had gone to SAFFA and the chief clerk to tell them that we was trying again you would not have to change your marriage category which you still can. You did not even have the guts to phone to tell me. Now you have done it this way I want to know when you are coming for your stuff and I want the house putting on the market (which would be stupid for you to do) Or pay me my half and I will then sign the house over to you. If you do that then you will be making a profit every month and all my insurances will be cancelled, but if you sell it we will still have to pay off quite a lot as we got a repayment mortgage, and we have not paid anything off the mortgage. I do not like the way you are treating us, you did say you loved me and Matthew, well if you are going to treat us like this I would hate to see the war that you would treat us if you hated us. According to the chief clerk over here you have turned your back on us without financial or consideration (sic) at all. But you could sort it out if you really wanted to now, we both know you can. I know that you know that you are hurting Matthew. I also know that you do not care if you hurt me not only our feelings but financially when I have to pay for everything now and this is why the chief clerk is so angry.

Estelle and your so-called loving son Matthew.

In the last two months she has been obsessed with me taking over the mortgage on the house. At first I did not think that I could afford such a deal, as it meant paying her off £16,000, but as it turned out, I will be able to afford it.

On 20/04/00 I had arranged to go down to take Matthew’s Easter presents to him, and to take some clothes as I was running low on some things. When I arrived, Matthew’s social worker was there, which, as it turned out was lucky, as she stopped us from arguing, well, much.

It turned out that the local authority were going to offer her a flat in a central position in Wootton Basset, as to make her life easier. It appeared that she has little or no control over Matthew, as he steals from her purse quite often, and had taken £5 that morning (and a further £10 on Easter Sunday). And the social worker warned him if the stealing continued it would not be long before the Police would be involved. His messing of himself was just as bad, and he is now physically threatening her to get his own way. She was full of moans and aches, which took us straight to her health again. She said that she now weighs six stone two; I replied that she must be happy. She asked why, and I said that that is what she had always wanted. She added that one of her therapist had suggested that she was anorexic, I said immediately that she was, which she denied. So I added that she had an eating disorder of some kind, which the social worker agreed with. She said that she had fallen in the toilet and had cracked a rib and taken a chip out of her breastbone. The social worker said that Estelle had calmed down since she knew that the local authority were going to offer her a flat, so most of the time it was pretty amicable. She said that Matthew was in the bath as he was all muddy, and that it was the first time in five days that he had had a bath. When I asked why, she said that he had not wanted one before, I replied amazed, that it was her job as the parent to make sure that he had one. At this point the social worker said that because Estelle was so depressed, she was unable to. The social worker asked us both if the marriage was over, Estelle looked at me, and I said without hesitation that it was, and she only said that the marriage was over.

I did speak to Matthew on my own, and some of the things he said worried me, in particular the fact that she goes to bed and leaves Matthew up to watch what he wants. He also said that he missed me telling him off, which surprised me. I saw his large collection of Pokemon cards, and found out that each pack of cards costs £2.50.

She had bagged most of my clothes up, so I loaded them in the cay, along with some shoes and videos. She kept asking when I was going to take the rest of my stuff. I agreed to phone Matthew up more often, as that is what she said he wanted.

Easter Saturday she rang up to say that she had been offered a flat, but it won’t be empty until the end of May. When was I going to take all my stuff? I tried to explain that we have until the middle of July before the quarter had to be empty. I said that probably I would take my stuff after she had moved out. Who has to clean the house, as she can’t as she is in so much pain. I said that as long as she has gone by the time the 93 days are up then it was my job. She then said that the chief clerk would be getting in touch with me to see if I would give her half of my moving warrants. I replied that as far as I know I am not entitled to any warrants, so I did not know anything about it. I asked how all her furniture was going to be moved to her new flat, she did not know. Does she intend to ask me to do it?

06/05/00

I phoned Estelle up again today, as I was shopping for Matthew’s birthday present. She told me he wanted the Pokemon red game for the Gameboy. Mum had told me that she had spoken to Estelle the night before, and Estelle had said that she could barely walk as her foot was infected. So, I first asked her how her foot was, and her reply was what’s wrong with it, and then remembered, and said that it was still green and infected. It goes without saying that I was not surprised that she had gone to Wootton Basset shopping earlier today.

She went on to say that she had spoken to “someone” from the Armoury whilst in the Med Centre, and she was told that everyone in the armoury had been told to stay away from her and me.

She also added that she had spoken to the chief clerk, and had complained that she had not been contacted by anyone from the armoury to see if she was all right. According to her, the chief clerk was very angry, and was going to contact the Flight Sergeant in the armoury to voice his anger.

10/05/00

I was called I to see the chief clerk again today, as he had to ask me to see if I would give up a moving warrant so she could have her stuff at public expense. I could see no reason not to, even though I would loose my next family move at public expense. So, I signed the for to agree to this, and told the chief clerk of my immediate plans to take on the house, and raising the finance for the mortgage I agreed that I would be responsible to clean the quarter, although I would have to pay someone to clean it for me.

11/05/00

Matthew’s birthday. I phoned up this evening, a little later than I intended, as I had an exam re-sit at half past five.

The first thing that she said was that my Mother had dropped herself in it, and then went on to ask if I knew anyone called Christine or Chris. It turned out that she heard or thought she heard my Mother accidentally called her that last night.

She went on to moan about the card that Nana had sent Matthew, as it wasn’t very good, and did not have much of a message in it. As for my Mother, the envelope was open and there was nothing inside it. And, she added, it was a good job that she had bought Matthew some presents, as no one else had. I had to explain again that I would be bringing Matthew his stuff down at the weekend.

She went on that there are no carpets in the new flat, and no cooker. I don’t know if she was trying to get some money out of me. I said nothing, she went on about the council, and went to get a letter or something, and put me on hold, only for the money to run out, I suppose my name is mud for that.

13/05/00

I went to Lyneham today to take Matthew his Birthday presents, and what an interesting day it was. When I arrived the atmosphere was a bit frosty, and she soon started swearing at me, so I told her in no uncertain terms that if she did not stop I would leave, as there was no need for it. I explained what was going to happen about the house, and she seemed quite happy about that. But when I explained that I could only divorce her on two counts, unreasonable behaviour and adultery, she said what unreasonable behaviour, and how come the blame was always on her? I asked if she wanted a divorce or not, she replied in the affirmative, so I added does it matter under what circumstances we are to be divorced under. I said that if she wanted to divorce me for adultery, I would gladly sign the paperwork, but she said that she does not have the money. I took Matthew out for an hour, as to get some quality time with him. It was a bit stale between us, but after a while we got back into the swing of things. One thing that Matthew told me was that Estelle had told him that he was not to tell me that he loved me, and that he was not to call me Dad. This rather took me back, as I pointed out that when we were going through the custody battle with Gary, we never put any pressure on Matthew to say what we wanted to hear, so for her to say tat was a big surprise. And he said again that he missed me, and me telling him off. The most obvious thing when you walk into the house is that she has a new three piece suite, later, when I asked Matthew about it, he said that they had got it last weekend, and that she had given the old one to Mitch’s son, and it seems that he is going to let her take the cooker from the quarter with her.

Matthew was filthy, all grubby, his nails were very long, and both finger and toe had a lot of dirt underneath them. He has lost a lot of weight, he said because the doctor had said he had to loose it.

I said that I wanted one of the pedestal fans to take with me; she said I would have to take the one that was made up, as she wanted the boxed one to take with her. Well, Matthew brought down the fan, there was all ink in the blades where it looked as if Matthew had been playing with a pen on the blades, so it looked a right mess, and the protective guard was hanging off. So I said that I wanted the boxed one, she replied that I could not have it, I asked why, and she sheepishly said that she had sold it. I exploded and said that I was going, but before I left, I found out that Alison has the lawnmower. I asked if it would be back when she left, as I would have to cut the grass for march out, her only reply was maybe, which is no help to me.

When I first got there, she wanted me to go into the attic to get some doll boxes down, but after all what happened during my visit I said the packers would put them in a box safely. Finally, I asked where the lawnmower was. She said that Alison had borrowed it. And when I asked if it would be at the house when I marched out, so I could mow the lawn, she could only say “probably”.

The last thing that happened was that after we had argued, I walked out, she called out to say that when I wrote to Matthew in the future was to call him Matthew Hadingham.

14/05/00

I have just come off the phone with her, and I have found that she has sold the lawnmower for £60. I said that everything that we bought between us was ours, and if neither of us wanted it, the item would have to be sold, and the profits split between the two of us. She started arguing about the computer, and that it was unfair that I was keeping it. I said that if she wanted to pay me £1050, she could have the computer, but as the computer was in my name, and the premiums would be taken out of my account, then it was mine as far as I could see, and I suppose the law would agree. She said that she did not have £1050 to give me. She said that I was putting Matthew through a lot. I said that when we were going through the custody battle with Gary, we never put pressure on Matthew to say what we wanted to hear, and yet she had told Matthew that he was not to say that he loved me or call me Dad. This was something that she denied, and I said that that was what I was told yesterday. She also said that ten people had approached her since I left last night to tell her that I had been having an affair. My reply was that could she have at least had the decency to tell me whom I was supposed to be having this affair with. She said that she had to go into the attic again today, as I did not do any thing to help her yesterday. As for the fan I let it lie, but I made sure that she could not sell anything that she did not want, as she would have to agree with me as to what would happen to the item, and if it were to be sold, the profit would have to be split between the two of us.

17/05/00

I spoke to Mr Mitchell this afternoon to see if she had handed the keys to the house to him. He said that she had and had been to inspect the house. It is a state; he said that he could not find a clean place in the kitchen to put his paperwork down on. He added that all that is left in the house is fit for nothing. The TV, video and computer are all gone, and she said that she would leave them. The lawnmower is also missing.